So I love cartoons - always have. My parents still save the Sunday comics for me and send them up once in a while. And every so often there is one that just speaks to life more than others. I tried to upload one of them here, but it was too big, and being the not-computer-literate person that I am, I am going to have to describe it for you. So imagine Charlie Brown and Lucy standing in the field, Lucy with football in hand. And Lucy says to Charlie Brown...
"The whole trouble with you is you don't trust anyone!"
"Look...every year you pull the same trick on me...you say you're going to hold the ball while I kick it, but you never do! You always pull it away, and I land flat on my back! Every year you pull the same trick! EVERY SINGLE YEAR!"
"Listen, Charlie Brown, if you're going to get along in this world, you have to learn to be TRUSTING...anyone can trust someone who's trustworthy...I'm giving you a chance to learn to trust someone who is NOT trustworthy!"
"You're right..I've got to learn to be more trusting...you hold the ball, and I'll kick it..."
He runs with great speed.
"SHE DID IT AGAIN!" (As she pulls out the ball and he goes flying.)
WHAM! (thud.)
She looks down at him lying on the ground and says, "See you here again next year?"
THAT cartoon is my life. I chose to put that one on my board, not so much because of it's funniness, but as a reminder to me. I continuously get myself into the same situations. And I always fall flat on my back. And for some reason, just like Charlie Brown, I can't seem to force myself to do otherwise. I consciously "know" the outcome. I can explicitly tell you all of the repercussions. And yet, I can't do anything different, even if my life depended on it. And on top of that, just like the cartoon, both Charlie Brown and Lucy KNOW that this will happen again the following year. It's not even a question. Why is that? I think the process of running headlong into that elusive ball is just way too much fun.
So maybe by having this cartoon on my board, if I happen to look at it before entering once again onto the football field, I'll at least contemplate the headache from the fall. Maybe? Nope. Probably not.
By the way, I learned today that Tide pens get communion wine out of white confirmation gowns. Good to know, yes?
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Sabotage
I remember sitting in Sunday school in jr. and sr. high and getting these sheets that had what I would now call “case studies” on them. A situation would be outlined, and being the good LC-MSers that we were, we would figure out the “right” and “moral” thing to do. And you know what? The answer was always incredibly easy. In fact, I despised these exercises, because I thought the people portrayed in them were just dumb. How could their issue be all that difficult? You tell the truth. You don’t cheat. You obey your parents, and you never gossip.
But then I started to actually be in relationships with people. And I am still learning, the hard way, that relating with humans is always messy and never simple. There is never any part of a relationship that is not violent. You are either fighting against one another, or in a free fall with them, or both. Even in good relationships it’s scary, and it leads to realities that are far from understandable. You think back to when you first met whoever it was, and try to remember how you had no clue what you were getting yourself into. You were starting one of the most wonderful, and yet at the same time, most crushing, relationships. And at every turn, if you took the time to stop and think, you’d understand that you had no idea what to say or do. From an outside, “objective” viewpoint, there might be a logical answer; maybe even a “right” answer to every situation. But there is never an easy one. And there is never a painless one. And from the inside, there is never even those logical or right ones.
So which is worse? To be in a relationship that creates dysfunction, or to be alone? Logical answer: to be dysfunctional. Reality: to be alone.
Which is worse? To hurt others (indirectly?) through your actions, or to be hurt yourself? Moral answer: to hurt others. Reality: to be hurt.
And what makes this even harder, is that these questions don’t even work, because it’s never as simple as an either/or. It is not this OR that. All options, and all combinations of options, are hurtful. So it ultimately comes down to what you can handle. And as humans, that’s not much. The ability to do the “right” thing is never there. People continue to abuse the absolute blessing of the relationships that they are in. We continue to grasp at FEELING loved as though it were salvation itself, even though it necessitates an overwhelmingly sharp pain. And we never are allowed to understand what truly being loved is like, mainly because all of us are (unconsciously?) overly efficient at stealing it away from one another in the hope of having it ourselves.
But then I started to actually be in relationships with people. And I am still learning, the hard way, that relating with humans is always messy and never simple. There is never any part of a relationship that is not violent. You are either fighting against one another, or in a free fall with them, or both. Even in good relationships it’s scary, and it leads to realities that are far from understandable. You think back to when you first met whoever it was, and try to remember how you had no clue what you were getting yourself into. You were starting one of the most wonderful, and yet at the same time, most crushing, relationships. And at every turn, if you took the time to stop and think, you’d understand that you had no idea what to say or do. From an outside, “objective” viewpoint, there might be a logical answer; maybe even a “right” answer to every situation. But there is never an easy one. And there is never a painless one. And from the inside, there is never even those logical or right ones.
So which is worse? To be in a relationship that creates dysfunction, or to be alone? Logical answer: to be dysfunctional. Reality: to be alone.
Which is worse? To hurt others (indirectly?) through your actions, or to be hurt yourself? Moral answer: to hurt others. Reality: to be hurt.
And what makes this even harder, is that these questions don’t even work, because it’s never as simple as an either/or. It is not this OR that. All options, and all combinations of options, are hurtful. So it ultimately comes down to what you can handle. And as humans, that’s not much. The ability to do the “right” thing is never there. People continue to abuse the absolute blessing of the relationships that they are in. We continue to grasp at FEELING loved as though it were salvation itself, even though it necessitates an overwhelmingly sharp pain. And we never are allowed to understand what truly being loved is like, mainly because all of us are (unconsciously?) overly efficient at stealing it away from one another in the hope of having it ourselves.
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