Just Do It

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about forgiveness lately. It seems as though people tend to categorize forgiveness as something that is black and white. Julie stole my pen, I forgive her, all is well. It is simply something that we “do”. We’re taught it from birth and, while a “good” explanation of what it is doesn’t ever really come around, we talk about it as if we have one. Perhaps it’s yet another thing that is like the wind; we can’t see it or really define it, but we know it’s there and we know the consequences of it. But for all of this uncertainty, there are some strong beliefs as to its consequences; much more far-reaching than getting over the fact that someone stole my favorite pen, many of us see this one, simple action as supposedly able to immediately cure all anger, mend all relationships, and be the cornerstone to world peace. If only we could all forgive one another our faults, the world would be a much better place.

Perhaps this is true and my cynicism has reached new lengths. And as someone who has been on the receiving end of great feats of forgiveness, I know what a powerful thing it truly is. But it seems to me that “forgiveness” is more than simply “forgiveness”; and it also seems to me that in order to even attempt this phenomenon of forgiveness, we have to know what it is that we’re supposed to be forgiving in the first place.

I ran into this problem when I was told that I was supposed to “forgive him” – I think specifically in relation to one person, but an entire host of situations were also referenced. I felt offended, wronged even. Not only is this person not aware of what has all happened, but I knew that part of this “situation” involved not only “him”, but the person ordering me to forgive, and also me. If we are truly going to go down this path, then a lot more than the actions of one person need to be sorted out. But I thought about what she said to me anyway, and now I don’t know what to do with it. Forgiveness is something that is good, but I don’t know that I can actually do it – and I truly mean can. The benefits of forgiving people and situations far outweigh those of maintaining pride and defensiveness. But I don’t know, exactly, what it is that I’m forgiving. The more I examine the “situation”, the more I don’t know what the “cause” of it all is. And the technical actions that spurred the anger? Symptoms. Is it possible to “forgive” symptoms? And if it is, is that what we should be focusing on anyway?

So ok. Maybe I don’t have a clear definition. I should therefore simply “forgive” all related things and people as a whole and go on with my happy life, yes? I don’t think it works that way. Rather than a simple decision, isn’t forgiveness an ongoing, active commitment to creating something new out of the scars? It’s not to forget what has happened, it’s not to condone it, it’s not to force one and all to start back at square one. But isn’t it a continued relationship with all involved and attempts at understanding and growth? That, I think, is what forgiveness is. It will never be perfect, it will never be simple or clearly defined; but it is the reality of hurt reconciliation.

So yes, I have angry bitterness and deep hurt and an incredible lack of understanding. But I am continuing to try, and I have an overall sense of joy. I have not forgiven in the sense of completely “letting it go”, but I have forgiven in the sense of allowing those who have wronged me (including myself) the privilege of informing my life and work and faith. I am honoring one and all involved by using the years of hurt to understand myself and the world and God more accurately; I am using it to affect much-needed change within myself.

Perhaps it’s a both/and. The continued hurt is needed to prompt the continued struggle and process of understanding. But the “simple” forgiveness is needed to even begin that process of reconciliation. Maybe I can “just do it”. Too bad many things are easier said than done, especially when no instruction manual is given.

Silly Putty

Well, I’ve moved back to the land of entire aisles filled only with different types of shampoo, where driving on the interstate is scary (seriously, I drove for the first time in a year last night and I was afraid), where everyone (or mostly everyone) speaks English but no one rides a bike, and I can get groceries at 7:00 in the morning or at midnight and on a SUNDAY, if I wanted to. And my poor room-mate has had to answer questions like, “how much do you tip at a restaurant?” and “can I turn right on a red light?”, and they’ve been asked in all seriousness. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Crappy, inside-gut-turning, mostly.

Or maybe it’s similar to feeling like silly putty. In the past week – or in the past month, really – I feel like I’ve been stretched, pulled, snapped, bounced, and molded into all sorts of crazy shapes. My supervisors and the secretary at my church left for a month and I was there alone, they came back and all of a sudden internship was over, my sister got engaged, my financial situation changed drastically, I had to say “auf wiedersehen” in the midst of some of the most wonderful relationships I have ever had, I flew back from Germany and am dealing with jet-lag and a “new” culture, my entire life is sitting in boxes in my living room, and I’m trying to figure out what it means to start my previous relationships up again. I’m the same color, I have the same mannerisms and the same name... but I feel like some kid is using my life as a toy. I keep experiencing all of these changes, but I’m not able to understand them, I’m not able to control them; I simply fold like silly putty.

But at the same time, it doesn’t just work that way. Humans think, question, are stubborn, resist change, and generally have the need to understand and comprehend. To make sense of things. Changes will come and surprises will occur, but they’re not always taken as exciting new things to add to the wonder of life. They’re difficult and come with a lot of pain. There’s a required, if not unconscious, process of transformation that happens. Instead of being like silly putty and simply changing from one form to the next, the old informs the new; it influences it for better or worse. A day cannot be taken back and an experience can’t be relived; a previous shape cannot be made again. So while the appearance of the person may stay exactly the same, and many of the personality traits remain intact, the substance alters. And when something new - when a “different” person – enters back into an “old” situation, it doesn’t work very well. What once felt right and comfortable, now feels overwhelming and a bit frightening. And it’s exciting, too; it’s a chance to understand life from a new perspective; it’s fun to remember how much certain people mean to you. And in my particular instance, I have the wonderful luxury of having a year to reflect and question and try to come to an understanding of what has happened and how I can use it for both the present and the future. And not only to do that, but to do that among and with friends. But still, sometimes it would be nice if we humans had more of the properties of silly putty. The changes, though interesting (if not exciting), would many times be a bit easier if we were capable of simply fitting into the mold we were currently asked to fit.

Kongeriket Noreg

This whole year I've heard people talk about Canada and have seriously started to consider moving there after graduation. It's supposed to be this mixture of the States and Europe, which would be perfect for me. And the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada trades pastors with the ELCA, so no problem there, either. Maybe I'd try to get placed in Vancouver.

However. Last night, in one of my wonderful evenings with a non-church friend (Yay for geographically-close-non-church friends, by the way. This one, at least, provides my sanity.), I was shown this video. He's Norwegian, and tells me that everything in here is true and also that he's never actually heard of anyone getting the 21-year sentence that is mentioned. Oh, and one thing that's not mentioned in the video: their biggest problem? The country has too much money (Seriously. Mainly because the state owns their all of their oil fields.). It's like fairy-tale land.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=YxLag-EXiZk

I'm moving to Norway.

Strike!

Berlin has 3 major modes of public transportation: buses, the U-Bahn (subway), and the S-Bahn (street train). Since August or so, the S-Bahn has been trying to gain a completely new contract, and did so by asking for a 30-something% raise, which they knew they wouldn't get but thought it would force people to draft a new one. So there were many days over many weeks when it wasn't running. And other than having all of the buses and U-Bahns delayed because of traffic overload (Berlin is a city of 3.5 million), it didn't matter to me much personally that this was happening. Although, many people just don't ever use their cars because it's easier to take public transportation or because of the environment (they actually care about that over here :-P). So having this traffic-insanity just causes a lot of accidents.

However. Today both the bus and the U-Bahn workers decided to also go on strike. And I rely almost entirely on their services. The S-Bahn is running, but it's a 20 minute walk to the nearest station, and even then it doesn't get me anywhere close to the church office.

The amazing thing in all of this is that, while it makes life substantially more difficult for the vast majority of Berliners, no one seems incredibly upset about it. The general opinion is that this is something that the transportation workers need to fight for, and so they will fight with them. They will drive their cars for a while or find alternate routes to work or some such thing. This is great; it shows solidarity, pressing for workers' rights and fair wages, which theoretically helps the economy (and Berlin, as a city, is completely bankrupt), etc., etc. But it's hard to be excited about that when, in an effort to help their work situation, I can't even get to mine. Well, I can. I just have to ride my bike. And riding a bike in Berlin is just a whole other story for a whole other time...

Die alten Männer

So apparently I have the tendencies of an old man. On my way to work, I walk over a bridge that crosses some S-Bahn (street train) tracks. And almost directly under this bridge, they are building a new station. It will make traveling for many, many people much more convenient (I, unfortunately, am not one of those people). But now that the weather is starting to warm up - and by that I mean starting to remain in the 40's - they have started pouring cement and actually building this station. I find this work fascinating, and would love to watch them do this. However, the old men of the community have already beat me to it. As long as the construction workers are busy, there are at least 3 men standing at the railing and looking down. Now, I suppose I could join them, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do that. Which is sad, because it would probably be a great deal of fun and, as someone in my class said yesterday, speaking a foreign language with "old people" is the best thing to do, because they are patient. I'm not sure that that really holds true, but I'm sure these men would be excited. But then again, I wouldn't want to be a distraction to their daily fun...