Caught By Lucy's Sadism

Do you ever find yourself rejoicing over the absurd? For instance, people have been making fun of me for my excitement over finding a crossword solver on dictionary.com. Yes, my friends, salvation for all vocabulary-challenged (or rather, random-never-needed-to-know-before-or-after-this-knowledge-challenged) people has arrived. On this fabulous website, you can type in any and all information that you have. So I can write out the clue, how many letters it has, insert any letters I already know…some tell me this is cheating. I maintain that since it only gives me a list of possibilities, and that since I still have to use my mind to decide which one it is that actually fits, it is therefore more than legal.

But that wasn’t really what I was rejoicing over today. No, today it was because I was reminded that I – along with everyone else – am nothing. I was told again that I am a human being. Now, there are a lot of great things about being human, something to ponder on another day. But being human also means that I am an addict. So everything that I can (and sometimes do) beat myself up about? Yeah, it’s kinda there to stay. Because I’m a homo sapien. I am going to continually repeat what it is that I do, and what I do is not really that great. In fact, it’s awful most of the time. My theory is that everyone is addicted to at least one thing. I think things like drugs and alcohol come to mind for most people first, but those addictions can almost be better, if there is such a thing as a “better” addiction. At least those are external – something that is visibly obvious. What about the addictions to self-degrading thoughts, compliments, a certain person or people, sleep, verbally or physically abusive relationships, etc.? They can be, and are, equally harmful. Sometimes spiritual, emotional, and mental death is worse than physical death. But do we work on stopping it (or would we, if we could)? No. We just continue to think and do the same things over and over again. It’s like Charlie Brown and Lucy with the football. Every year, the same thing happens; every year, Charlie Brown thinks he knows better or is better, and he never is. So why the excitement? Because it shows what God has done and is doing. My filth is literally upon God; it is not mine. Christ, hanging on the cross, took it to his grave. And today is the day that I am shown, in all of its fullness, how shitty I am and that there is nothing I can do about it. God has done everything and continues to do everything. Ha. Nothing better than that.

So on this Ash Wednesday, on one of the 4 greatest days of the year, I am rejoicing in the absurd. I am thrilled by crossword solvers, the incomprehensible grace of God, and really, more than anything, bright green paper in the copying machine.