Die alten Männer

So apparently I have the tendencies of an old man. On my way to work, I walk over a bridge that crosses some S-Bahn (street train) tracks. And almost directly under this bridge, they are building a new station. It will make traveling for many, many people much more convenient (I, unfortunately, am not one of those people). But now that the weather is starting to warm up - and by that I mean starting to remain in the 40's - they have started pouring cement and actually building this station. I find this work fascinating, and would love to watch them do this. However, the old men of the community have already beat me to it. As long as the construction workers are busy, there are at least 3 men standing at the railing and looking down. Now, I suppose I could join them, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do that. Which is sad, because it would probably be a great deal of fun and, as someone in my class said yesterday, speaking a foreign language with "old people" is the best thing to do, because they are patient. I'm not sure that that really holds true, but I'm sure these men would be excited. But then again, I wouldn't want to be a distraction to their daily fun...

Many-Sided Tug-of-War

Recently, I've had no idea how to put my thoughts and feelings into words. Or, perhaps more appropriately, I have no idea what my thoughts and feelings are. There is a mass of colors and movements and undercurrents and angles of light that are all mixed together and I have no idea how to separate them out. I am moving and being moved, but I have no idea how or where or why. My supervisor, since the very beginning of my internship, has advocated the learning of what it means to live in community. At first, I thought that he simply meant listening to others, living with them, learning to live in forgiveness. And I'm sure that's part of it. But the more I think about it, the more I come to believe that it also means learning how to work towards an understanding of the community, the world, and God. Because since coming to Berlin and living in this particular community, my ability to self-differentiate, understand God, and think about life has been both greatly diminished and also opened up beyond imagination. This community has overwhelmed me in so many ways that I don't know what to think or where to go. I have nothing to say, and everything to say. I just don't know how.

There are many here who are marked by living during the time of the Berlin wall. And it affects every part of their being. One woman remarks on that time and then about the other tragedies around the world and wonders where God is. But in the next breath looks around at creation and comments that she doesn't understand how anyone can deny the existence of God. Some were protesters at the wall. Many have had to learn Russian and have tried hard to forget it. Another actually is Russian. Others are from Africa, some who are here because of the politics in their regions. Many started out as asylum seekers. Several others are here to try to "make it" in the entertainment and music scene. And then I believe 20% of Berlin is unemployed; we reflect that statistic. With all of their life situations, there are some who participate in the church, but I have no idea why, because they have made it known that they don't actually believe that God loves them. Others really believe that God has life planned out for them and their community. And yet still others believe that if they are only faithful enough, then God will be "faithful" in return; only, they can't say what they mean when they talk about the faithfulness of God.

In all of this, where am I? I have been called to learn from them, to listen to them, to preach to them, to love them. But I don't know what that means. In theory, it appears to be very easy, especially when one is strong in their beliefs and convictions. But to preach the gospel to a people that you so deeply love; to preach the gospel to a people that are so varied and diverse - what does that look like? For that matter, what does learning from them look like? One can't just take in all the information and leave it there. But where to put it and how to understand it is a task that I have no instructions for.

I suppose it is continuing to ask questions and not be put off by the quest. I suppose it is realizing that curiosity and ambiguity work together. I suppose it is understanding that the questions are more important than the answers and knowing that it is God's faith that provides the questions in the first place.

Skyscrapers and Spiderwebs

It's amazing what people will tell you. Something that I worried about before starting internship was being so dense that I would miss everything that was "happening" at the church. I really thought that I would be too blind to see all of the background politics that were flowing and too blind to see the veins of the spiderweb of relations there. But I was wrong. It's impossible to miss. These "spiderwebs" are more like skyscrapers with neon, flashing lights. Why? Because people just flat-out tell you what they are.

My supervisor believes that the church is the only place where people can work out their unresolved family issues. I thought that was an interesting comment, and am coming to agree with him. Not only am I finding out who (for better or worse) are personifying my own family members and issues to me, but I am learning who the "parents" of this congregation are - not by their actions, but by the various "children" literally telling me who they are. The "grandparents" are especially interesting, as they are the ones who used to run the show, but now find themselves in this peculiar time of life where they have been left behind by their children, are still in great need of belonging and having something to contribute yet feeling that they've already done their part, and finding themselves incapable of doing what they once did. The young ones aren't taken seriously. And the middle-aged ones are so lost as to how to balance their life and their faith that they continue to act and act and act, all the while never knowing what it is that they're doing. It's absolutely fascinating. And terrifying. All at the same time.

It's so crazy to me that the church manages to stay together. In just the past week, I have talked with people who (because of their life circumstances) need worship to be one way. Another person (with equally compelling reasons) needs worship to be almost the exact opposite. One person feels entirely left out of the community and is crying out; not for attention to be specifically placed on her, but for "others" to create a better sense of "community". Another needs to be left alone and can't understand this woman's need for a defined place. And yet somehow, all of these people come together and call ACB home. All of them arrive on a Sunday morning and expect to receive grace, forgiveness, and love - not only from the sermon and the service, but - from everyone else there. They all gather around the table together. Even though they sometimes come with deeply rooted fears, insecurities, distrusts, and angers.

I guess, in a way, skyscrapers are more manageable than spiderwebs, because they are easier to see and they generally have signs on them as to who built and occupies them. They just hurt more when you run into them.

Ecclesiastes

There are some things that just cannot be explained. Cannot be understood. No amount of curiosity, brilliance, or analytical skill will ever be a match for them. They are things that can only be walked out, lived out, or slept out, so to speak. One just has to keep walking, keep living, keep sleeping. It's not even a faith thing. There is no faith that "it will work out" or "be ok" or "it will come". Because faith has nothing to do with it. They just are. The most insecure and helpless of people physically and emotionally survive the "worst" of tragedies. The most independent collapse at the first hint shaky ground. The most generous and caring people are despised and the most cold-hearted, loved. Hopes, that are so deep that those who hold them don't even understand them, never come to pass even after years of struggle. Random ideas that occur happen with hardly a second thought. And yet, the opposite of these are true as well. We hear the stories of those who hope against hope and, after a lifetime of waiting, receive their joy. The people who go and do according to their own wishes and desires, and not those of anyone else, are happy and overcome seemingly impossible obstacles. And the aloof are left in their own misery.

What is the "rule"? There is none. Some hopes, some efforts, some actions may be more "rational" than others, but really, there is no knowing the outcome. Our best educated guesses turn out to be incorrect. Our actions that we do out of pure folly end up being the best moments of our lives. And only those who have thought their actions through survive. So in all of this, what is there to keep us from joining the Ecclesiastical writer and saying that "everything is meaningless, a chasing after the wind"?

Why I love Berlin

1. The traffic light men. Former East Germany had the now-famous "Ampelmänner", or "traffic light men". They're awesome. Hopefully a picture soon to come.

2. The beauracracy. I've already waited a whole morning to be registered with the Rathaus, and a day and a half with the transportation people. Up next is the "foreigner's office". From what I hear, that could take up to 3 days.

3. Speaking of the transportation people (the BVG)...my friend/colleague/native-German took me to get a student transportation pass. We arrived at the first place. They were still open, but wouldn't let us get in line because a co-worker was ill and they were going to shut down. We walked to the next station...which didn't have an office. Rode the S-Bahn to the next and they had closed 5 minutes before. The next day we go to a different office (after my getting lost on the way there), and found out that we needed yet another signature on an already signature-saturated paper, AND an "official" stamp. We go back to the office to get the pastor's signature - he wasn't there. So we sat and drank coffee until he got back. We went to yet a different station and it took all of 20 seconds to get my pass.

4. The phone companies. They send out a general phone bill once a month, yes? Well, if you want a detailed one, you must first pay €15. Now, if you request them on future bills, it's free. But to find out why certain charges are on a current bill, you must pay first.

5. Alles in Ordnung. We are having the front of the church painted. They started right before I got here, so I still haven't seen the altar area because it's completely covered. But, in order to have this done, not only the painters had to come for a meeting, but the electrician, the heating company, and some other people. The reason? The painters didn't want to paint by the electrical sockets. They actually moved "things" (?) around so the painters didn't have to worry about it.

6. Today I met the ambassador. From the United States to Germany. Now, one can say what they want about Bush or the administration or why various people have become ambassadors. BUT, one still can't deny that it's fun that I met him and various other diplomats from other countries.

So transition might not be the most fun time in life, but there are definitely some fun advantages to this particular one...

Andere Blog

A week and a half ago, I moved to Berlin. I even registered with the local Rathaus and was told by my friend (and congregant) that I am now truly a Berliner.

Because of my work there, I have started another blog that will be specifically for writing about my experiences in ministry there. I will continue with this blog as a place to write about life observations and thoughts. But if you are interested in keeping up with the thoughts of internship, the other blog is Warte für die Ampelmänner.

And by the way, Berlin has more than enough coffee shops to satisfy me. They're not open either early or late, which is unfortunate, but they are there nonetheless. So there will be many chances to meet seriously fascinating people. :)

home away from home

There’s something about coffee shops. I’m completely in love with them. I love the atmosphere; I love the coffee; I love the smell; I love the music; I love the people; I love the conversations; I love the distracted solitude. I love that I’m a true coffee drinker and always take it black. I came here initially tonight because I wanted to get to the internet since my apartment doesn’t allow that for the time being. But I’ve finished what I came to do and I just can’t leave. In one hour, I’ve watched a child - with a bike helmet on - search through all the cushions on the couches and chairs, seen a black man, a pregnant Asian woman, a Latina mother with two small children, heard comments about how (theoretically) this coffee shop only wants the children of their owners to patronize them and not the community, about a recent break-up with an ex of 4 years, and seen 3 people with books and computers, including myself. Bliss.

I love that I can come here and do whatever I want. I can sit here and study, write papers, write novellas of thoughts and comments and analyses to and about myself or others, blog, bring friends for good conversation…I love that it can be a place of extreme productivity or complete mind-numbingness or of deepening friendships all at the same time, and have all things be a form of complete relaxation and stress relief. In the same bag I put my new favorite novel, The Brothers Karamazov, (1) and my current theological reads, Judaism Despite Christianity (2) (which unfortunately just had to be returned to the library), and A More Radical Gospel (3). The three are drastically different, and pull me in wildly antithetical directions, but all end up at the same place at the same time.

I love the people I meet. Most recently there was a man who was from Miami, taught 6th graders in Boston, and then went to Chicago to study law and just took the bar exam. There was another who taught high school history and was a football coach, joined the military, and was in Alaska for a while with them. There are the graduate students who are working and say hello and smile intriguingly at me every time I walk in…yet never say another word. There was another who wrote textbooks for computer programming...and looked like my high school biology teacher. And there are those I see almost every time I walk in – yet I never know their name until virtually the last time I’m there.

I don’t know who came up with the idea of coffee shops, but if they were still alive, I would find them and kiss them. There is really nothing on this earth to compare with the utopia found here. Maybe the shops in Germany will be just as wonderful.

(1) Fyodor Dostoyevsky
(2) Letters between Eugen Rosenstock-Huessy and Franz Rosenzweig
(3) Gerhard O. Forde

Learning to Just "Stand There"

This past week has been something of a new experience for me. All I’ve done is sit in logistical sessions with 40 other people. But yet this week has made me feel completely incompetent, overly excited, humbled, in awe of others, like I don’t fit in, and like I’m part of something magnificent all at once. It seems like every 15 minutes there are more questions that could receive days of thought; my mind has been on overload. And many times it’s because something was said that convicted me to the core. But for a start:

“In our desire to help others, we often do more harm than good.” There was a story about a woman from Kenya who came up to a missionary and asked her to put in a word for her so that she might obtain a visa to the U.S. so that she could relocate. Even though she was pleading, the missionary said “no”. The missionary went to the church representative to tell him about the situation and found out that that woman had tried so often that the high commissioner in their country had her on his list. Had one more American asked about this lady, there would have been no chance for her to relocate. Ever. Through other circumstances that went through correct channels and with appropriate cultural norms, this woman is now living in the U.S. and doing well. The point was that we need to spend time in our countries and cultures and learn about them and their system and respect it in every way. People will ask for many things, believing that we can do whatever they ask. But if we try to act on our own and in whatever ways we deem worthy, without a clear understanding of how that culture operates and what has been done previously, we often do them more harm than good. What does that do to our understanding of Jesus? People so often label him as kind and compassionate, when there were many instances when it seems like he was anything but that. How does this concept fit into that?

“Don’t just do something; stand there.”

“God’s mission is to restore community with the world.”

“If you are in a losing streak, don’t play fantasy baseball. Go back to the basics.”

“Bread and wine in the hands (of Father Delatorio) is an instrument of revolution.”

“We can’t just continue to do things the way we have because we think it’s the same old…we have to understand the culture, which is under construction.” What if that were applied to those of us still working at home…

“Accompaniment”. The underlying belief in global mission in the ELCA is accompaniment. What does it mean to accompany people?

“It’s about humility…it’s like a novel. The story is not about us. It’s God’s story and the plot is God’s mission in the world. Neither the story nor the plot are about you. The principle characters are the people in the country where you serve. Your service is about being a minor character in a major novel. You are privileged, however, to contribute to the story and the story line is richer for your roll, small though it may be. Remember, you are not called to be great or important. You are called to be faithful. Embrace the humility.”

There have been so many other things that have been brought up that I can’t possibly expound upon. I could talk for days just from what I’ve been given in the past 4 days, and I have 2 ½ weeks to go yet. And theoretically we are just now getting into the conceptual stuff. However, as a closing thought:

“But we have this treasure in clay jars, so that it may be made clear that this extraordinary power belongs to God and does not come from us.” 2 Corinthians 4:7

Failing Fools

I overheard someone complimenting another this morning with the words, “…that’s why he’s so good at what he does. He’s not afraid to make a fool of himself.” I find this interesting. It’s not a new concept; in fact, it’s one that I’ve heard exhorted many times. That in order to be really great at something, you have to be willing to not only fail, but fail with flair.

I am generally not someone who is willing to fail. It’s actually something that I’ve been anticipating coming up in one of my first conversations with my supervisor in a few weeks. “What are you hoping to get from this experience?” “The ability to fail.” It’s not so much that right now I never fail, but the fact that I try not to put my self in positions in which I believe I will fail. I never do anything that I don’t know I can already do to some degree of competency. This generally doesn’t work if one wants to get anywhere.

This, of course, begs the question – where are you trying to get, and why? Why should I need to “get” anywhere? It’s one thing to continue to change over the course of life because that’s just what humans do, whether they want to or not. Situations and experiences and conversations and people shape us. But it’s another to seek change. And for what benefit? The faith would teach us that we don’t become “better” and that God loves and saves us no matter where and who we are. So the point? None that I can see. And yet it is something that is generally upheld as a virtue: the desire for and the accomplishment of growth. The need to be “great”.

So is there really an impasse? Can we embrace failure for the sake of learning and not for the sake of greatness? Can we fail others for the sake of others and not simply to “further” ourselves? But at the same time never actually aim for failure? Is it possible to truly accept the change that happens in ourselves that comes as a result of life, yet not try to create “inner change” ourselves? What would that look like?

Adaptation out of Need

There's a song on the radio that fascinates me and I looked up the music video to it. It's "Older I Get" by Skillet. Part of it reads:

"The time between those cutting words built up our defenses. Never made no sense, it just made me hurt. Do you believe that time heals all wounds? It started getting better, but it's easy not to fight when I'm not with you. The older I get, will I get over it? It's been way too long for the times we missed, I didn't know then it would hurt like this. But I think the older I get maybe I'll get over it. It's been way too long for the times we missed; I can't believe it still hurts like this."

Now before you start thinking that I'm a silly 24-year-old who thinks she's getting old or who thinks she has too much pain to work through, hear me out as to why this is interesting to me. It was not so much the words in and of themselves, but the video they put to it. Almost the entire video showed the band having a good time with one another. They were in relationships with one another that obviously meant a great deal to them and were encouraging and fun. So this made me think about how life works. There are so many things that cause such a great deal of pain, and some of them we never move beyond. We adapt and we live with whatever scar was given, but people and events become a permanent part of our lives. And yet, with all of that pain, we continue to love. We continue to seek people out. We continue to laugh and sigh and be content and, yes, even happy. I find that amazing.