Many-Sided Tug-of-War

Recently, I've had no idea how to put my thoughts and feelings into words. Or, perhaps more appropriately, I have no idea what my thoughts and feelings are. There is a mass of colors and movements and undercurrents and angles of light that are all mixed together and I have no idea how to separate them out. I am moving and being moved, but I have no idea how or where or why. My supervisor, since the very beginning of my internship, has advocated the learning of what it means to live in community. At first, I thought that he simply meant listening to others, living with them, learning to live in forgiveness. And I'm sure that's part of it. But the more I think about it, the more I come to believe that it also means learning how to work towards an understanding of the community, the world, and God. Because since coming to Berlin and living in this particular community, my ability to self-differentiate, understand God, and think about life has been both greatly diminished and also opened up beyond imagination. This community has overwhelmed me in so many ways that I don't know what to think or where to go. I have nothing to say, and everything to say. I just don't know how.

There are many here who are marked by living during the time of the Berlin wall. And it affects every part of their being. One woman remarks on that time and then about the other tragedies around the world and wonders where God is. But in the next breath looks around at creation and comments that she doesn't understand how anyone can deny the existence of God. Some were protesters at the wall. Many have had to learn Russian and have tried hard to forget it. Another actually is Russian. Others are from Africa, some who are here because of the politics in their regions. Many started out as asylum seekers. Several others are here to try to "make it" in the entertainment and music scene. And then I believe 20% of Berlin is unemployed; we reflect that statistic. With all of their life situations, there are some who participate in the church, but I have no idea why, because they have made it known that they don't actually believe that God loves them. Others really believe that God has life planned out for them and their community. And yet still others believe that if they are only faithful enough, then God will be "faithful" in return; only, they can't say what they mean when they talk about the faithfulness of God.

In all of this, where am I? I have been called to learn from them, to listen to them, to preach to them, to love them. But I don't know what that means. In theory, it appears to be very easy, especially when one is strong in their beliefs and convictions. But to preach the gospel to a people that you so deeply love; to preach the gospel to a people that are so varied and diverse - what does that look like? For that matter, what does learning from them look like? One can't just take in all the information and leave it there. But where to put it and how to understand it is a task that I have no instructions for.

I suppose it is continuing to ask questions and not be put off by the quest. I suppose it is realizing that curiosity and ambiguity work together. I suppose it is understanding that the questions are more important than the answers and knowing that it is God's faith that provides the questions in the first place.