Just Do It

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about forgiveness lately. It seems as though people tend to categorize forgiveness as something that is black and white. Julie stole my pen, I forgive her, all is well. It is simply something that we “do”. We’re taught it from birth and, while a “good” explanation of what it is doesn’t ever really come around, we talk about it as if we have one. Perhaps it’s yet another thing that is like the wind; we can’t see it or really define it, but we know it’s there and we know the consequences of it. But for all of this uncertainty, there are some strong beliefs as to its consequences; much more far-reaching than getting over the fact that someone stole my favorite pen, many of us see this one, simple action as supposedly able to immediately cure all anger, mend all relationships, and be the cornerstone to world peace. If only we could all forgive one another our faults, the world would be a much better place.

Perhaps this is true and my cynicism has reached new lengths. And as someone who has been on the receiving end of great feats of forgiveness, I know what a powerful thing it truly is. But it seems to me that “forgiveness” is more than simply “forgiveness”; and it also seems to me that in order to even attempt this phenomenon of forgiveness, we have to know what it is that we’re supposed to be forgiving in the first place.

I ran into this problem when I was told that I was supposed to “forgive him” – I think specifically in relation to one person, but an entire host of situations were also referenced. I felt offended, wronged even. Not only is this person not aware of what has all happened, but I knew that part of this “situation” involved not only “him”, but the person ordering me to forgive, and also me. If we are truly going to go down this path, then a lot more than the actions of one person need to be sorted out. But I thought about what she said to me anyway, and now I don’t know what to do with it. Forgiveness is something that is good, but I don’t know that I can actually do it – and I truly mean can. The benefits of forgiving people and situations far outweigh those of maintaining pride and defensiveness. But I don’t know, exactly, what it is that I’m forgiving. The more I examine the “situation”, the more I don’t know what the “cause” of it all is. And the technical actions that spurred the anger? Symptoms. Is it possible to “forgive” symptoms? And if it is, is that what we should be focusing on anyway?

So ok. Maybe I don’t have a clear definition. I should therefore simply “forgive” all related things and people as a whole and go on with my happy life, yes? I don’t think it works that way. Rather than a simple decision, isn’t forgiveness an ongoing, active commitment to creating something new out of the scars? It’s not to forget what has happened, it’s not to condone it, it’s not to force one and all to start back at square one. But isn’t it a continued relationship with all involved and attempts at understanding and growth? That, I think, is what forgiveness is. It will never be perfect, it will never be simple or clearly defined; but it is the reality of hurt reconciliation.

So yes, I have angry bitterness and deep hurt and an incredible lack of understanding. But I am continuing to try, and I have an overall sense of joy. I have not forgiven in the sense of completely “letting it go”, but I have forgiven in the sense of allowing those who have wronged me (including myself) the privilege of informing my life and work and faith. I am honoring one and all involved by using the years of hurt to understand myself and the world and God more accurately; I am using it to affect much-needed change within myself.

Perhaps it’s a both/and. The continued hurt is needed to prompt the continued struggle and process of understanding. But the “simple” forgiveness is needed to even begin that process of reconciliation. Maybe I can “just do it”. Too bad many things are easier said than done, especially when no instruction manual is given.