This is my prayer, that your love may overflow

Tonight I was at a sort of derivative of a worship service. It was a service to send off everyone going to Mexico next week for a mission trip. And a man was talking about how wonderful it is that we're giving so much to the people of Juarez. How we're giving a week of our lives to build homes and rework plumbing and electrical wiring and such. Yes, we are saints indeed. God must certainly be pleased with each and every one of us.

Isn't it our call as Christians to do this? Maybe not in Mexico, but anywhere? And maybe not to build houses, but to serve in whatever capacity that might be, whether that is psychological, physical, etc.? We should not be praised for this; we should be doing this as an automatic reaction to the faith that has been given us by God. We are to serve not for the sake of our glorification, and not for the sake of converting people, but because God is working through us for the sake of the world.

This brought me to thinking about this another way, though. If it is our duty, which is what I have been taught since birth, then it seems that there is automatically a weight that comes with it. I HAVE to do this. It becomes a burden, and not a joyful reaction. And that is how I'm feeling about this trip right now. I have absolutely no desire to leave for Juarez on Saturday. It's hard for me to care about the people we're going there to serve, or to care about the youth that I will be serving as a leader. It's hard for me to care about others in general right now. And I hate that, but don't know what to do about it. I have been pushed into a trip that I never wanted to participate in in the first place, and so everything that has gone into it has been full of resentment for me. I am spiteful towards those who love me instead of figuring out how to serve them best. What is that? Why is that? These things, again, should be something that I do because God has called me to it - not because I am an ungrateful child who has been forced or because my heart is so spectacular. How does one go from resentment of the burden to reveling in the joy of giving? Where is the line between human nature and the reality of sin...and that of the work of God in and through us?

Trust

So the topic of the day is trust. I think there are certain types of trust that I'm not very good at. Or rather, I KNOW that there are kinds of trust that I don't exhibit, and that I sometimes wish I did. Believing people when they tell me about themselves or about situations isn't difficult and, (most of the time) if someone tells me they'll do something, I'll rely on them to do it.

The problem is that I don’t trust humanity, or human nature. I don’t trust people to really love. I somehow think that there is the capacity to love - I just don’t believe that people actually do love. So when it comes to relationships, and trusting that the other person is not trying to hurt me, I have problems. I a) think that at the first sign of a problem, they will run, and b) that these “problems” are my fault. When hurtful comments are made, when someone retracts their previous words or actions, when someone appears to be avoiding me, etc., I unfairly put the fault of the cause upon myself, but the fault of the ensuing fight upon them. I get upset with them for not understanding me and what I’m trying to say, but the reality is that there’s just as much misunderstanding on my part as on theirs.

Afterwards, of course, I feel badly about my own words and actions, and then come to the conclusion that the other person is so upset with me that they simply won’t want to deal with me anymore. I don't trust their desire to be my friend. I don't trust them to want to work on a relationship. I don't trust them to be able to handle conflict. I don't trust their willingness to accept me as an imperfect human. And not only is that unfair to them, but it is unfair to me.

I'm trying to understand the underlying cause of this. Is it narcissism? Am I so caught up with myself that I can't see any life situation outside of myself that could possibly be affecting someone else? Is it a derivative of narcissism: an extremely low opinion of myself that drives me to assume that I am always the problem? Or is it simply that enough of my past relationships have failed that I come to the conclusion that I am doing something wrong? I don't know.

So now I’m stuck. My beliefs about humanity are necessary for my theology and for the rest of my life. And yet it hurts any and all relationships that I’m in. It seems that no matter if I put my trust in peoples’ good will, or if I put it in their inability to truly love, I end up hurt. And I realize that it’s not necessarily one or the other. But it seems that the former is preferable. How does one learn to trust in that way?

Rain

I love rain. It's just cleansing. It cries with you, it washes out hurt, it's peaceful. I need rain; there are few things that are as calming to me. And when things are going well, it just adds to the contentedness. But it never lasts long enough. Maybe I should move to Seattle.

Universal Malfunction

I am someone who needs to learn better organizational skills and learn to prepare ahead and just generally be a less chaotic person. I think. So when days like today happen, it frustrates me, because it throws all of that out the window. I think it was one of those times when there must be something in the universe causing all children to be completely unfocused. And I don't mean simply paying attention to whatever. I mean that there are very real, physical wanderings of the body. Arms kind of float around, feet trip over themselves in ways you have never seen before, and foreheads somehow find their ways into paint. They can't help it; it's not a choice. They simply malfunction on an entirely new level.

Now, I love my jr. high students. They are fun; they are chaotic; they are the personification of energy; they are fabulous. But today wasn't even high-energy for all of them. It was simply chaos. I was completely exhausted after 10 minutes. I don't know how to describe it. We made it through tie-dying shirts and painting a collage (kind of) - but even that was a feat. Hopefully they heard something about John the Baptist and baptism in there somewhere, but God only knows.

So when I was much more prepared today than yesterday, and yesterday went 14x better than today, it tells me that I should never work on anything. I should just run with whatever and not even try to prepare anything, because it won't matter. They will never know the difference. They have no clue whether I worked 40 hours on something or 40 minutes; it all comes out the same.

I don't know. I don't feel completely defeated yet; just exhausted. But if tomorrow is like today, making it through the week could be quite the challenge. Praise God for hope and strength. And praise God that I still love these malfunctioning creatures, draining though they are.

Demanding Imperfection

"A person doesn’t have to be perfect to be exactly what you need." – J.D. on Scrubs

I’ve been thinking about this lately. I have a friend who continues to point out to me that I am human. And this is a good thing. Because being human means that I will mess up, demand what cannot be demanded, and be incredibly hurtful to others. But it also means that I have the capacity to love, serve, and give to others.

The thing is that when I think about other people and their relationship to me, I don’t expect or want them to be perfect. If they were, that would just make me feel like I could never live up to them and it would do more damage than if they just screwed up once in a while. But yet I feel the need to be exactly what the other person “needs” all the time. I try so hard to figure out what role I need to play, that not only do I guess the wrong “role”, I also am inept at playing said role, and the whole thing ends up in a mess. I forget that the reason the person is talking to me or spending time with me in the first place is because they wanted to be with me, and not some character that I’ve chosen to play. And really, it’s through the arguments and the conflicts and the hurt that we know each other, as much as through the fun and laughter, yes? Learning boundaries and why what words mean what to the other, and why what actions have the effect they do is a fascinating process.

I know none of this is a new thought, and that thinking through this isn’t going to make me stop trying to compensate or stop being a demanding friend. It’s not going to make any of my relationships less frustrating. But it is nice to know that there are people who don’t expect me to be perfect around them and will still love me when I not only fall flat on my own face, but also bring them down with me.

Running Headlong into the Thud

So I love cartoons - always have. My parents still save the Sunday comics for me and send them up once in a while. And every so often there is one that just speaks to life more than others. I tried to upload one of them here, but it was too big, and being the not-computer-literate person that I am, I am going to have to describe it for you. So imagine Charlie Brown and Lucy standing in the field, Lucy with football in hand. And Lucy says to Charlie Brown...

"The whole trouble with you is you don't trust anyone!"
"Look...every year you pull the same trick on me...you say you're going to hold the ball while I kick it, but you never do! You always pull it away, and I land flat on my back! Every year you pull the same trick! EVERY SINGLE YEAR!"
"Listen, Charlie Brown, if you're going to get along in this world, you have to learn to be TRUSTING...anyone can trust someone who's trustworthy...I'm giving you a chance to learn to trust someone who is NOT trustworthy!"
"You're right..I've got to learn to be more trusting...you hold the ball, and I'll kick it..."

He runs with great speed.

"SHE DID IT AGAIN!" (As she pulls out the ball and he goes flying.)

WHAM! (thud.)

She looks down at him lying on the ground and says, "See you here again next year?"


THAT cartoon is my life. I chose to put that one on my board, not so much because of it's funniness, but as a reminder to me. I continuously get myself into the same situations. And I always fall flat on my back. And for some reason, just like Charlie Brown, I can't seem to force myself to do otherwise. I consciously "know" the outcome. I can explicitly tell you all of the repercussions. And yet, I can't do anything different, even if my life depended on it. And on top of that, just like the cartoon, both Charlie Brown and Lucy KNOW that this will happen again the following year. It's not even a question. Why is that? I think the process of running headlong into that elusive ball is just way too much fun.

So maybe by having this cartoon on my board, if I happen to look at it before entering once again onto the football field, I'll at least contemplate the headache from the fall. Maybe? Nope. Probably not.

By the way, I learned today that Tide pens get communion wine out of white confirmation gowns. Good to know, yes?

Sabotage

I remember sitting in Sunday school in jr. and sr. high and getting these sheets that had what I would now call “case studies” on them. A situation would be outlined, and being the good LC-MSers that we were, we would figure out the “right” and “moral” thing to do. And you know what? The answer was always incredibly easy. In fact, I despised these exercises, because I thought the people portrayed in them were just dumb. How could their issue be all that difficult? You tell the truth. You don’t cheat. You obey your parents, and you never gossip.

But then I started to actually be in relationships with people. And I am still learning, the hard way, that relating with humans is always messy and never simple. There is never any part of a relationship that is not violent. You are either fighting against one another, or in a free fall with them, or both. Even in good relationships it’s scary, and it leads to realities that are far from understandable. You think back to when you first met whoever it was, and try to remember how you had no clue what you were getting yourself into. You were starting one of the most wonderful, and yet at the same time, most crushing, relationships. And at every turn, if you took the time to stop and think, you’d understand that you had no idea what to say or do. From an outside, “objective” viewpoint, there might be a logical answer; maybe even a “right” answer to every situation. But there is never an easy one. And there is never a painless one. And from the inside, there is never even those logical or right ones.

So which is worse? To be in a relationship that creates dysfunction, or to be alone? Logical answer: to be dysfunctional. Reality: to be alone.

Which is worse? To hurt others (indirectly?) through your actions, or to be hurt yourself? Moral answer: to hurt others. Reality: to be hurt.

And what makes this even harder, is that these questions don’t even work, because it’s never as simple as an either/or. It is not this OR that. All options, and all combinations of options, are hurtful. So it ultimately comes down to what you can handle. And as humans, that’s not much. The ability to do the “right” thing is never there. People continue to abuse the absolute blessing of the relationships that they are in. We continue to grasp at FEELING loved as though it were salvation itself, even though it necessitates an overwhelmingly sharp pain. And we never are allowed to understand what truly being loved is like, mainly because all of us are (unconsciously?) overly efficient at stealing it away from one another in the hope of having it ourselves.

Large, Dopey Creatures on the Move

It’s perhaps an overly used movie for analogies, but The Matrix is pretty phenomenal as far as double (and triple and quadruple and…) meanings go. Looking beyond the grey metal pipes and cement floors and ceilings that have absolutely no color or beauty at all, the little world that they’ve managed to live in (the good guys) has always been the ideal world for me. For one, they can “learn” anything in an extremely short amount of time. Just sit in the chair, insert the plug, play the program, and WHAM! Instantly you know how to do anything. THAT is what I need. But another reason that I want to live in that kind of world, is because the people that live there know something that the rest of humanity doesn’t. They’ve figured the out system, and they’ve also figured out how to beat it. I think it’s from this constant desire to know everything and do everything right and move beyond current understanding that I love their world. I feel like I’m missing something in this life; that somehow I still have a shield over my face that is blocking enlightenment to the universe.

I realize that there is no such key; at least I haven’t heard of one that sounds remotely realistic. But somehow I have it subconsciously stored away that there is one, and I keep trying to find it. I want to understand theology and constitutional law and biology and chemistry. But really, I think I want to understand humanity more than anything else. I want to know why people work the way that they do; and not just society in general, but specific people. Why do you make the comments that you do? What has made what’s important to you, important? Why are you apparently an individual, and yet so obviously part of the larger race of humanity? This is what I want to know.

It seems that in order to understand something objectively, one has to be self-differentiated. But to do that all the time is impossible. We are always and continually connected with our past and with others. There is no escape; we continue to live in the “scars and ruts” of our lives, clinging to what we know, even though we also know that it only hurts us. Even if there was something called the matrix, we wouldn’t ever be able to figure it out, because not only do we not have red and blue pills to choose from; we’d be incapable of making them in the first place, because to make them requires previous knowledge, which we can’t have without first taking the pills. But fascinatingly enough, even though I hate being confined to anything, the idea of being perpetually stuck in curiosity and struggle isn’t such a bad thing. So I suppose we continue to tromp along, searching, and maybe hoping we’ll at least figure out the system of humanity someday. And in the process, being nothing but big, muddy trolls leaving craters in our circular path.

The Exhaustion of the Extremes

You know the magnetic emotion charts where you have 30 different faces of different emotions represented and there’s a blue “window” magnet that says “Today I Feel”, and you move it to encompass whatever particular mood you’re in? I’m not sure what I think about such charts.

I can see at least some good in these intriguing objects. Not only is it entertaining to try and pick out which mood I am in, but it really does seem that labeling things helps us in life. It’s amazing what simply saying that I’m smug at a particular moment can do. It puts my attitude and the situation at hand in some sort of perspective. But sometimes, A) I need to be irrational. I was talking with a friend of mine the other day and she made the very good and true point that sometimes, one (especially girls) just need to be irrational. And suffice it to say, “irrational” is not one of the moods listed. And B) My emotions generally do not conform with what is listed as an option.

This can mean one of a few things. 1) The chart is dysfunctional; 2) I’m an odd human being that doesn’t conform with this chart and therefore I just need to suck it up and deal; or 3) I can’t properly identify emotions. In these sorts of circumstances, I tend to opt for the first reason.

For instance, there is no “blah” face. Neither is there a “content” face. I can be hysterical, shocked, anxious, shy, or lovestruck, but I cannot be contemplative, blasé, or thoughtless. And being that my general state of being falls in and among those categories, I’m forced to lie to myself and say that I am enraged, ashamed, or disgusted.

Maybe that’s the problem with life and society today. We’re all held captive to the emotion charts. We are forced to live in the emotional extremes of life, which, let’s face it, is rather exhausting. So in the face of emotional trauma, what is there for one to do? Put the little window on “confused” and just accept your fate.

Hexagonally Frozen Water Vapor

So normally I attempt to write something at least partially witty and/or thoughtful (so ok, I haven't quite mastered that yet), but today was so exciting that it deserved its own kind of entry. Today, Luther Seminary shut down. Yes, at 3:00PM today, everything was cancelled THROUGH TOMORROW. It's my first snow day(s) in 5 years. It was fabulous. Glorious. Indescribably amazing. I got to play the piano, was part of a snowball fight, and I even helped to build this massive snowman outside our house...


And tomorrow? Tomorrow will be beyond description. It will be all Gospel and no Law.

Part of of the greatness of snow days is certainly the snow in and of itself. But what I'm really excited about is being able to sleep in, not having to do homework that was going to be crashing in on me tomorrow, and having a day where I can literally do nothing and feel good about it (the library's not even open, which honestly, is a very sad event). But it's the spontaneity of it, too. Inevitably, had I known that today and tomorrow were going to be days off, I would have filled them somehow. I would have put off working on something and scheduled to do that tomorrow. But now, I am actually free to do whatever. This sort of day is what all humans need, and I have been given it. Praises for the gift of nothingness.